Last Resort
by RelapseAndEscape
Summary: Finn's extremely depressed and tells Blaine and Kurt, who urge him to sing about it in Glee. Problem is some of the Gleeks don't think that white, straight, able boys are allowed to be depressed. Oneshot.


_Song is "Last Resort" by Papa Roach. Changed some of the lyrics, because I'm sure Mr Schue would kill Finn if he starts severely swearing, even if it's a serious song, and also, he says he lost his Mother, changed that to Father ^_^. Also, a lot of what Finn's going through is categorized in the DSM-VI of clinical depression. _

* * *

He talks about _it_ with Kurt and Blaine on a Saturday night, when Blaine comes over to the Hudson-Hummel household.

Kurt's spread blankets on the ground, and they have big fluffy pillows behind their backs. Kurt pulls the cotton sky-blue blanket over his legs, and then looks up to find Blaine standing there, floral yellow blanket wrapped around his body as he tries to balance out holding the blanket so that he's completely covered, and balancing a bowl of popcorn over a set of DVD's. Kurt shakes his head, because he knows that's because Blaine's too lazy to move more than once, as Kurt stands up, dropping the blanket to show off a black pyjama set, with little small patterns of white flowers and small pink hearts adorning every inch of his pyjama. He grabs the popcorn from Blaine, and starts munching whilst Blaine scrunches his nose at him. "I wanted to hold that."

Kurt just laughs, and they sit down. Blaine pulls off the blanket for a second, and the boy's pyjama consists of blue-and-green plaid pants, and a black t-shirt that has glittery letters of _I Came to Dance_, whilst he crawls to the VCR, and looks at the DVD's. "I've got The Exorcist."

"…I'll exorcise _you_ if you think you should put that on," Kurt mutters lightly, but there's a faint smile to his lips.

Finn stays silent, shoves the maroon-red blanket away, and pulls himself towards the DVD collection. His grey sweatpants hang loosely over his hips, and his shirt's horizontally striped in colours of mint green and forest green, when he looks at the collection, wafting over them with dull dark brown eyes. It's a contrast to Blaine's warm honey ones that look like they've revelled in the light of the sun, leaving nothing for the mind. Kurt suddenly feels uncomfortable when Finn shakes his head when Blaine pulls back a set of movies – Little Miss Sunshine, Crazy Stupid Love, Love and Other Drugs, and then Finn just gives him and tells him to put on anything. Blaine picks off a random movie from the collection – Pirates of the Caribbean, which Finn and Kurt's memorised by now, and then Blaine gives them a rather bashful smile. "I've never seen it before," he says shamefully.

"You're joking," Kurt responds, disbelief glittering in his brilliant ultramarine-blue eyes. "_No way_! I've got _every_ one of Orlando Bloom's lines memorised."

Blaine now looks jealous of Orlando Bloom, as Kurt laughs. The movie's started when Kurt decides to go get their takeaway, so that Blaine can appreciate Orlando's ass in the meantime. He leaves with a wink and comes back with plastic bags of Chinese takeaway, and by then, there are white plates being circled around already, with their silverware. Kurt stares at Finn, who hasn't said a word since their night's begun, withdrawn and eyes not even looking at the screen as Kurt notices that Finn looks exhausted, kind of like he's been running errands all day and just wants to fall asleep, even if Kurt knows that all Finn's done all day is curling up to his bed asleep, waking up at random intervals within the day, and walking around the house as if he's looking for something. When he's circled the house a good few times, he settles on the couch, and puts on some sort of television programme that he probably isn't caught up on – fleets of _House_ episodes that he doesn't pay attention to, or cutting in the middle of season four of _Supernatural_ and not truly understanding what's going on, countless episodes of The Vampire Dairies and 90210 that Finn pretends to be interested in - when a few episodes end or in the middle, he'd fall asleep again.

Sometimes, he'd make it back to his room and sometimes, he'd just curl up on the couch and sleep, and doesn't even bother doing anything else. Sometimes, he goes and disappears off for a few hours to unknown places when he looks so tired, and returns back collapsing on the nearest sofa. Kurt's worried about the Finn's habit to just shut down as quickly, falling asleep anywhere and everywhere and with Finn's height, the couch doesn't even fit him so Kurt can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be to just fall asleep on that couch most of the days and what confuses him and scares him even more is being that drained that he'd actually settle for the couch without any complaint. Kurt throws the fried rice, chicken and vegetables in each of their plates and then hands them around. Blaine's eyes are glued to the television set as he asks, "Is _that_ the beautiful Orlando?" Blaine teases.

"No! That's Johnny Depp," Kurt shoots him a rather dark glare.

They don't know how long they sit there, before Kurt's concerned blue eyes lock with Finn's devoid of emotion brown ones. Kurt notices that Finn hasn't even made a gesture of trying to touch the rice on his plate, which concerns him to no end, seeing his brother so worn-out and drowsy makes him wonder just what he's thinking of, but he doesn't say a word for most of the time. "Finn, you've been trying to eat your rice with a _knife_ for the past ten minutes," Kurt says. It's a butter-knife and that's all Kurt can be happy about because if it's a normal kitchen knife then Finn's throat would've been scratched in ten different ways.

"Oh," Finn exchanges the knife with a spoon but doesn't even make a movement to eat. He puts the plate down and then locks his eyes with Kurt, and then Blaine's whose completely devoted his attention to Finn when he's heard Kurt's warning tone as he points out the obvious that Finn doesn't see. "…to be honest…I've been feeling a little sad."

Kurt nods, and pauses, and Finn knows by now that's a signal for the fact that he's got Kurt's full attention now and Blaine seems to understand as well. "…it's just with the…you know, losing the football scholarship, the bullying, figuring out that _thing_ about my Dad, and when Rache wants something from me, that I can't afford…I feel really bad, and kind of sad, and I don't…feel like doing anything. I just want to—"

"Sleep all day, like you've been doing for the past five months, three weeks and two days, because _I've_ noticed, Finn." Kurt notices that Finn's not able to express his emotions well. Kurt grabs onto his hand and Blaine moves to him, forgetting the plate in front of him and then embracing Finn tightly. Blaine's a hugger Finn notices, and shows a lot of affection, and Finn feels really grateful for that right now, as his eyes lock with Kurt's. "…we're gonna tell Carole and Dad, okay? They do deserve to know. Okay?"

"And I think," Blaine pauses, breaking away from the hug, but leaving a hand on Finn's shoulder as to comfort him, "I think that he should sing in Glee. That's what the club's for, right?"

Kurt emits a brilliant smile, and then turns to Finn, nodding his head. "Yeah, that's exactly what you should do. You're depressed, Finn. You're really _depressed_. You need us to help you through this, alright?" Kurt's eyes are glittering sweetly and Finn wraps his arms around Kurt, looking even more tired and drained and Kurt feels bad that he's letting him stay up.

Kurt stands up, and pulls Finn to his feet. They pull him back towards the bedroom where Burt and Carole's at. Kurt knocks the door because he doesn't want to walk on him doing anything remotely gross, and when Burt voices out a 'kiddo, we're not doing nothing!' Kurt sees it safe to walk inside, Blaine and Finn back in tow. Kurt realises how awkward and rushed this might feel to Finn, so he gestures to a chair, Finn and Blaine sit on the chairs that Carole and Burt have aligned. Carole has one earring on, and is putting the other one before she notices the unfamiliar cluster. Burt sits on the bed, and Carole walks towards the nearest chair, which happens to be Kurt's and uses the armrest to support herself. All eyes are on Kurt for the moment, as he speaks. "It's about Finn."

Carole protectively shoots a glance over at her baby boy. Burt's hand is on Finn's own, nodding a very strong nod towards him as if to tell him to go on. Finn knows Burt wants to hear it from his mouth.

Finn feels like it's all too much just for him, so he starts. "I just…you know, wake up, feeling kind of sad and _helpless_…," Finn says, beginning and then biting his lower lip. Kurt's heart is thudding because he knows he's going to be a bit more elaborate. "I kind of feel like…my…sadness…doesn't really have a purpose. Like I know that…well, it's not like everyone's Father's perfect, Puck's fell out on him a long time ago, and it's not…like I'm the only one who lost that scholarship. It's not like…like I'm the only one being bullied around, so I shouldn't be…sad. I feel weird telling anyone because—well, because I feel like I'm sad for no real reason. I can't—like I can't feel sorry for myself, because…well, Artie can't walk, and Kurt's gone through the Karofsky thing…and Quinn was pregnant and—I…I shouldn't be thinking about…"

Kurt seems to speculate this but doesn't say a word for a while, but with the silence, he asks. "About…?"

Finn shakes his head, and doesn't know what's going on. "I just…can't stop feeling really sad. I'm sorry. I…I tried not to be sad because it isn't fair, but…but it just made me hate myself more, because—because I'm not supposed to be…really really sad. I just started to kind of tell myself that…that I don't deserve to be sad and I kind of shout in my head like it's Coach Beiste calling us for drills, but it doesn't stop. I can't stop feeling really sad and I'm _so_ sorry. Nothing like matters anymore. I sometimes just stop doing something in the middle and just stare at the wall, and I don't even notice until Kurt says something or…I couldn't…I can't even hate myself anymore. I just…I'm _too_ tired to. I don't know if that makes any sense but—I'm just really, really tired, all of the time."

Carole moves towards Finn and hugs him as tightly as ever before. Kurt's eyes are on Finn's face because he's sure he still feels as hopeless and as helpless as ever before. He still looks as tired as he's looked for all these months. "Honey, I'm so sorry you have to feel this way…" Carole's voice is soothing and warm.

"Kiddo, we're gonna help you through this," Burt says in finality. "You gotta tell us stuff like this, okay?"

Finn nods his head. Kurt forgets to ask him what else he's been hiding because he's sure that he's not supposed to look that guilty anymore, as if he's hiding or oppressing another emotion, and he wishes he can be in his head, because he looks like a wounded puppy dog. Finn just takes a deep breath, and Carole hugs him tighter. "Sweetheart, we're…we're gonna stay tonight. Alright?" Carole removes the earring and Finn shakes his head.

"Don't," there's no begging but there's no reinforcement – his voice is empty. "_Go_. I can stay with Kurt and Blaine."

"Sweetheart, are you sure?" Carole's voice sounds too concerned for her depressed son.

"I'll just end up falling asleep on you in half an hour anyway," Finn says stoically.

"Gonna schedule a Doctor's appointment—depression's a serious thing, okay, Finn? We don't want you to think it's not. We don't want you to think we don't give a damn about you, because we do, alright? If you want us to stay, tell me, kiddo, because you're scaring the Hell out of me," Burt says strongly and Finn just shakes his head and tells them to leave again.

Finn grabs onto his Mother's earring and helps her wear it again. "Go," he repeats one more time.

"Call us whenever, okay?" Burt reluctantly says, and then hugs his stepson whilst his Mother kisses his cheek and gives him a strong embrace before leaving. Burt pats his back and they're gone just like that. Finn doesn't move from his place, and Kurt pretends not to notice that Finn's so miserable it kind of hurts. When they go back to eat their takeaway and watch the rest of the movie, Kurt's eyes are on Finn, who falls asleep halfway through the movie, head kicked back onto the couch and in his lap, the plate of rice is cold and untouched.

* * *

Finn takes a deep breath now, as he stands there in Glee. Kurt feels sad for him, because he notices how vulnerable he looks. He tugs at his loose blue sweater, and then nods towards them. "So…er…Kurt and Blaine say that I should sing about this, because…they think that it'll help me," and Mr Schue gives him a strong nod in approval as Finn takes a deep breath before he begins singing.

"_Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort. Suffocation, no, no breathing. Don't give a damn if I cut my arm bleeding. This is my last resort." _Finn doesn't even look at his audience, because he thinks if he has to look at their expressions, he'll just throw up. "_Cut my life into pieces. I've reached my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing. Don't give a damn. If I cut my arm bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding?"_

Kurt feels a dark pitch into his stomach, because he doesn't like where it's leading to and he feels tears well up in his eyes when he hears the next few lines. _"Would it be wrong or would it be right? If I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation out of sight. And I'm contemplating suicide_." Suicide! Kurt's heart's racing and he feels Blaine grab onto his hand, because it's progress, but Kurt can't handle it, thinking that his stepbrother's been thinking about _ending his life_.

"_'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Losing my sight, losing my mind wish somebody would tell me I'm fine_." Kurt doesn't like how into the song that Finn is, almost as if it's really the thoughts that are running through his step-brother's mind. He doesn't look at anyone else, not even look at Blaine's honey eyes for reassurance when he knows that Blaine's looking at him, trying to comfort him. _"I never realized, I was spread too thin. Till it was too late and I was empty within. Hungry feeding on chaos and living in sin, downward spiral, where do I begin?" _

_"It all started when I lost my Father. No love for myself and no love for another, searching to find a love upon a higher level, finding nothing but questions and devils."_ Kurt takes a deep breath, and nods and he thinks he can hear Rachael puff out in frustration when he says 'no love for myself and no love for another' and Kurt feels the need to punch his friend in the face because it's making him feel sick on the inside, that that's the words she focuses on. _"'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine, losing my sight, losing my mind…wish somebody would tell me I'm fine."_

Finn turns the other way, and continues to sing without meeting anyone's eyes, then he meets Kurt's eyes and he knows he must've hurt his brother, because he didn't mention that he's had suicidal thoughts before, strong ones at that. "_Nothing's alright, nothing is fine. I'm running and I'm crying. I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying I'm crying. I can't go on living this way. Cut my life into pieces. I've reached my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing. Don't give a damn. If I cut my arm bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding?"_

Kurt tries to stop himself from sobbing and he manages to maintain himself but he shuts his eyes, because there are tears in his eyes. It rings in his head over and over again, like a mantra Finn wants to kill himself Finn wants to kill himself Finn wants to kill himself. Kurt can remember the words from yesterday night right now, _'__I…I shouldn't be thinking about…'_ Kurt shakes his head. _"Would it be wrong or would it be right? If I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation out of sight. And I'm contemplating suicide._"

_"'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine, losing my sight, losing my mind…wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Nothing's alright, nothing is fine. I'm running and I'm crying. I can't go on living this way. Can't go on, living this way…nothing's all right."_ Kurt can hear Blaine breathe out 'he's got so much courage' into Kurt's ear and Kurt nods, because it takes a big person to say that they've been really considering suicide, to bring it out from the dark.

Finn ends the song and then meets the eyes of the Gleeks. He doesn't like what he sees, Quinn has her arms over his chest, Mr Schue's eyes are full of worry, Artie looks angry, Brittany looks sad, Santana glares at him coldly, Mercedes looks touched, Rachael looks like she's going to explode, Sam looks just as angry as Quinn and Rory stares at him with sadness in his eyes. Tina's scrunching her nose up and Mike obviously looks like he's siding with Finn.

Santana bursts into laughter, Quinn, Artie and Rachael follow, causing Kurt's heart to twinge with anger. "He's hurt! Do you think that—?"

"Oh, and what's his fucking reason for feeling sad?" Santana drawls out coldly. "Let me see…he wasn't outed to the entire public."

"Depression doesn't target specific people," Blaine growls back.

"He has both of his legs," Artie scoffs, reminding him. "It's not like he's not able to do everything he wants and he still thinks he can think about suicide."

"You don't _decide_ who thinks about suicide, okay?" Kurt's voice is wobbly and it's obvious he's hurt by their friends' reaction.

Artie's words cut a dagger into Kurt's heart, because he doesn't expect the usually sweet boy to say those words. Quinn pipes in, "he's got a perfect life. Got a girlfriend, got a family—why the hell are you so selfish?" Quinn asks, eyes on his own.

"You're not supposed to be talking, blondie," Mercedes' eyes are staring at Quinn.

"It's not like he's being thrown around constantly for racism," Tina adds on.

Mike protests against his girlfriend. "He's got his stuff—"

"He's making a big deal out of nothing!" Rachael suddenly explodes, and that hits the final straw in Finn's head. He looks like a kicked out puppy dog when Rachael starts to stand up, black skirt twirling and all. "There are people out there that have legitimate reasons for being upset, and Finn doesn't, so I don't think this is a cry for help as much as it's a cry for attention. It's all about the glamour and the spotlight. I should _know_."

Kurt hears Finn let out a strained cry, as he shakily leaves, running off. Kurt stands up and he looks so angry that Rachael steps down for a second. "You…you _disgust_ me," Kurt states, eyes on certain faces of the Glee club. "It's not like his life is picture perfect _glamour_, understand? If you have or haven't noticed, my baby brother's already killing himself slowly in front of your eyes. He's so tired and emotionally run down that he can't even begin to do anything. He doesn't want to do anything. Last night, he told me and Blaine that he didn't feel right feeling that depressed because he doesn't feel like he has enough reason to be depressed! Out of all the people in the world, you're _judging_ him."

Kurt takes a deep breath. "He's felt helpless, and worthless and guilty every day for at least five months. Did you notice that he can't concentrate on anything right now? We were here for Santana when she was outed. We were here for you, Quinn, when you were pregnant. We were here for you, Artie. We were here for all of you. We didn't treat any problem like it's nothing, okay?"

Kurt's shaking right now and tears are spilling from his eyes. "He sleeps all of the time. All day. Every day. He doesn't do anything else. He walks around the house, just circling it around, just to find something. He's _lost_. He says he feels wrong saying he's doing it because he's lost his scholarship, he's been bullied, he found out that thing about his Dad really dying of a drug overdose, and he doesn't feel right saying it because he feels pressured by Rachael to be perfect. He doesn't feel like he has a reason, so he hates himself. He hates himself so much, and now, he's too tired to _even hate himself_. Did you notice he doesn't like _anything_ anymore?"

Kurt's breath is unsteady. "September 19, I found him sitting there on the porch, typing some English essay on his laptop. He just suddenly stops and stares at the world. I leave and when I come back, he's still staring. He doesn't even know he's doing it. October 2, he's sitting there watching a _House_ episode and I ask him what's going on. Finn just stares at the screen and says 'he's hurt' and the patient's a girl. November 24, Finn can't sleep, so I watch him take a few pills just so he can. Wakes up just to repeat the process again. December 11, it's Finn's birthday. He doesn't open one of his presents, he doesn't touch his cake at all and then he says he just wants to go to bed. Carole thinks he's sick. January 8, I find him in the mirror with Carole's lipstick on the sink and there's _Worthless_ written on the mirror, and I know it's Finn because he…he misspells worthless. February 16, Finn's grandmother visits him and gets him a sweater three sizes smaller than Finn wears but it's loose on Finn; because he's lost so much weight _I_ can't recognise him. March 27, I counted how many hours Finn's slept that day and realise he's actually only awake for school, Glee and spends the rest of the day sleeping. April 4, my friends berate him for a depression he's not supposed to have and then tell him he's not supposed to fucking feel depressed." Kurt ends his statement with strong, hurt eyes.

He grabs his back and him and Blaine leave without looking back at the rest of the group. Suddenly, the rest of them are running after Kurt.

"Kurt—"

Kurt pretends not to hear Rachael's voice, soft and hurt and guilty as he leaves.

The following day, they're not surprised to realise that Finn hasn't shown up and at Glee, the first question Kurt's bombarded by when he walks into the room is from Mr Schue, who genuinely asks Kurt if Finn's okay. "He refused to wake up this morning. Carole's worried. He's not doing anything at all. He had a breakdown. His DVD's are scattered outside, along with every single magazine he has, sports or porn, or anything, and even his clothes are off his closet. It's the room of the dead. The room is plain now, like it's a guest room, except there's not even a duvet on his bed, and he just lies there staring at the ceiling waiting to fall asleep," Kurt's voice is cold. "He tells _everyone_ that walks in to get out. I haven't been able to _look at his face_ ever since yesterday. He doesn't do _anything_. It's almost like he doesn't have function of his body. He doesn't touch any of his meals and if he drops anymore weight, he's going to _disappear_."

"Oh my God," Mercedes says. "—are…is there anything we can do to help?"

"No," Kurt says gruffly even though Mercedes is on his side as Rachael stands up and hugs Kurt. Kurt shoves her off. "I'm not the one that needs that. It's my stepbrother that wants to kill himself."

Kurt just looks down. "He…I found him yesterday night, awake, at three am, can't sleep…mumbling _get happy_ over and over again to himself. He forces himself to smile, and then he started crying. My stepbrother starts crying because he can't be happy…he didn't choose to be sad. He didn't want to be so depressed. And…you…you…you hurt him."

Kurt just bites down his lower lip. "You hurt him," he repeats, but his eyes are specifically on Rachael, Quinn and Santana. "And I will _never_…ever…forgive you."

Kurt turns to Artie, Sam and Tina. "I thought you were _better_ than this." And the look of disappointment speaks louder than the hatred in Kurt's voice for the girls. Kurt doesn't stay for long and disappears off. The next time Kurt sees the New Directions is when they come to the Hudson-Hummel household, they find Kurt standing near the doorway and staring at Finn's door. Mercedes is about to say something, when they notice that Finn's pasted a white note on the wall. _Dont wory I wont kill myself becuz I dont dezerve to._ Rachael suddenly feels like throwing up. Quinn doesn't even look at her feet, staring straight at the white paper. Kurt opens the doorway anyway and gasps, because there are at least two dozens of Sharpies onto the ground. Every wall is written with _GET HAPY_, and Kurt's shaking as he moves towards Finn, whose asleep. Kurt's shaking as he sees the massive amounts of drawings on the floor, smiley faces and all and Kurt's never been more disturbed in his life. He stares at his baby brother's face, and shakily moves to him, grabbing onto his arm. Kurt runs his hand down Finn's arm. He doesn't know if he's supposed to wake him up.

"Kurt, leave," Finn says exhausted, but he's showing signs of movement. "Please."

"You can tell it's me?" Kurt notices he doesn't open his eyes.

"You've got really soft fingers, dude…" Finn tries to explain and Kurt just pulls away, because that sounds like Finn, but it doesn't look like Finn. Kurt bites down his lower lip and Kurt hears Finn speaking. "…I want those pills…those pills that make you happy."

Anti-depressants.

Kurt nods. "Carole's getting some when her shift's over."

"Okay," Finn's voice sounds tedious. "…they're there. Mercedes wears the same perfect and Puck smells like sweat. Tell them to leave. Please. Nobody should see me like this. Please."

"Finn, I'm sorry." Rachael suddenly blurts out.

Kurt waits for him to kick Rachael out and he has all the right too, but what Kurt hears breaks his heart as Finn whispers, _"I'm sorry too_, _Rache_."


End file.
